ADHD, Miss-Happens, and Self-Compassion — How Can They Coexist?

Living with ADHD means a higher frequency of slip-ups, forgetfulness, and mishaps. Not from lack of talent, but because the probability is simply greater. And with that — a greater frequency of their recurrence.

Part of the cost is internal, with yourself. Costs of self-criticism, damage to your sense of self-worth, and even to your sense of capability. There may be shame when a "slip-up" occurs, and even anxiety about such events repeating — really, about the feelings they stir within you. Forgetting a meeting may feel disappointing, but it feels truly awful when accompanied by thoughts like: I messed up again, this time they'll fire me, or I'm an idiot!

At the far end of the spectrum, beyond emotional suffering, this can create real avoidance of doing things altogether.

Parts work with shame and blame promotes bringing compassion and lightness toward recurring "slip-up" events. Surprisingly, the critical part (yes, the one that comes down on us...) does not actually help reduce the impact of these mishaps on our lives. It is actually humor, acceptance, and self-love that serve us best. How is that possible? After all, the critical voice will set out to prove us wrong and show us the "evidence" that it's the one protecting us.

Well, this work is effective because laughter, lightness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion reduce the damage and impact of events caused by attention difficulties. When there is less dwelling and contraction alongside more understanding and self-love, it becomes easier to let go of the event and refocus on something else — and/or find a creative solution. When there is rumination in shame and blame, there are more slip-ups — more "unnecessary" resources are invested in worrying about mistakes and in the contraction that follows. When there is hypervigilance in anticipation of a mistake, the inner critic activates preemptively: "Be careful not to mess up..." In this way, many resources are wasted on tension and heightened arousal. The waste is both on "scanning for mistakes" before they even happen, and on the difficulty of letting go and moving on after one. These in themselves promote more "slip-up" situations, because the energy is not being placed where it needs to be — in the here and now.

Therefore, relaxation and acceptance of reality — without bargaining with or criticizing yourself — is the most effective path to optimal functioning and reducing emotional suffering.

Will what I've written here solve something? Perhaps, but probably not on its own. This requires experiential work that creates internalization through lived experience and rewiring of the connections in your brain. It is possible, and you deserve to feel good rather than engage in self-flagellation. This is the path to flourishing.

You can succeed without feeling bad — it was not the bad feeling that drove your successes. It is your talents, desires, and resources that bring you success, achievement, and well-being. It is not criticism that creates a good feeling, but rather support and self-love.